Welcome back readers. This month of September is very special to me and I guess some of you know why. I was born on this month and it also means a new start to my year. However, my birthday is on the 10th. Although this year I hit my 21st, I have not felt anything different. I do not feel excited or anything and this scares me because I love celebrating my birthday. This year I want to be on my own. Today's post is more about me and how I feel and this does affect the writing that I produce.
My title does say a lot. To be loved or not to be loved? I ask myself this question all the time. I have this hidden passion to be loved by everyone. Whoever has a place in my heart, I want to be loved by them. I love unconditional love. I believe only in this type of love. This deep-rooted wanting to be loved is something I have desired since childhood. My family have showered me with love, my friends have or did, anybody I came across, I felt their love. For me, this love has become an addiction. I feel lonely without it.
Pain is a feeling that is associated with love. You feel pain when someone you love dies or leaves your life, pain when someone you love treats you badly or betrays you. However, the first type of pain, losing someone due to the hands of death, this is something that is inevitable, it cannot be stopped. You have to treat this pain as something that has to happen. However, the second is something that people do on their own accord, they love to see you in pain. For them pain is intoxicating but they forget the power of love. Love can defeat this intoxicating pain within seconds.
As I have felt and experienced pain, it has only created an even bigger need to be loved. So this love that I feel and want is something that is only for me. I fear not knowing what love feels like. I fear that everyone that loves me stops loving me, the thought does scare me. I have only truly loved one girl. After giving her my heart and then splitting up for whatever reason, I cannot give my heart to any other girl. It is a fact now, I cannot love another girl the way I loved the girl I love. I cannot look at other girls with the eyes I looked at her with. My love for women will now always remain just a genuine feeling of love.
So as I approach 21, I wonder now what is my passion and what are my aims in life? My passion and aims are both the same and that is to love everybody the way I want to be loved. I want to show through my writing on the blog or through a few novels, the love that I want to feel, that I need and that love I want. If you call me 'greedy' or 'needy' for wanting to be loved, then so be it. I will happily accept being called greedy and needy. I want this love to last me a lifetime. The fact is for me materialistic things matter to an extent in terms of standard of living. I do want to lose my character, my need to be loved and to give love to be affected my materialistic aspects of life.
I have realised that life is too short for grudges, to be angry at people. What is the point in being annoyed with certain people? What will we personally achieve? Why do we find it so hard to forgive and forget our friends? I am someone who tests each and every friend of mine, especially their promises. I will go to whatever extent it takes to see whether that person really means what they say. It is not that I do not trust their promise, I just want to see how much can they take of me. So far, everyone I have tested has failed but that has not stopped me from loving them. It has made me love them more. It does hurt when some people say I don't know who I am or that I am not a stable-minded guy, however I know exactly what I am doing all the time. I know what I am saying and I am completely aware.
We always let go off things we love, I do wonder at times why we do this? Why do we stop giving chances for love to be accepted in our hearts? Today, we live in an age of people who give-up so easily. I am fortunate that I have a 'never-say-die' spirit. I will never let anyone go, or let anything escape from my life. If I truly love someone or something, they can never leave my heart because their mark has been made and will always be present. We have to take risks, we have to take chances. One chance or risk could made your unhappy, unloved life into a happy and loving life. It is up to us if we take the chance. I never want to let anything go and that is the final line.
As I conclude this post, so answering my question 'To be loved or not to be loved?' The thing is in order to know how it is like to be loved, we need to know what it is like to not be loved. So therefore we know the true meaning of being loved. It is simple, I want to be loved and I want to give other people the love they give me. Rahul N. Singh the person may be limited with his love, he may look at certain people and treat them differently for the bad things they have done to him. However, Rahul N. Singh the writer will love everyone unconditionally, no matter what and to be honest I rather be the latter. I rather be known for someone that loves others no matter what they have done to me than someone who conditions his love for others. The fact of the matter is I have chosen my identity, whether people hate it or not! I love myself therefore I can love others just as much.
Thanks for reading, hopefully you did enjoy it! Looking forward to writing my next post.
Rahul N. Singh
